As I wrap up 2011, I reflected on the passing of a great journalist and wonderful curmudgeon, Andy Rooney. Mr. Rooney (I would not dare refer to him as Andy!) was an accomplished reporter going back to World War II. Best remembered for his “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney” at the end of 60 Minutes, he had keen insights into things we encounter every day. He always started by asking “why” or “did you ever notice” something was what it was. I suspect he asked “why” because he already knew something was silly but didn’t know how people could do such silly things. I also believe he really wanted to know why the world was the way it was.

So, in his memory, I present to you the thoughts about sales and marketing that I have been accumulating this year.  As a tribute, I humbly present them as the master himself may have. Not all apply to technology companies, though many do. If you see yourself in this, well, do something about it

  • Did you ever notice how car dealerships keep calling a car sale a sales event? Every car dealership does this. They say “Come to our Fall sales event!” It’s a sale like every other sale – it’s not an event. An event should have cake or beer or something. I’ve been offered coffee at a car dealership but never cake. Or beer. I don’t know. Maybe if they had cake, I’d want to buy a car more.
  • Why do companies keep marketing products to me that they can’t sell me? Verizon has, for years now, sent me post cards, letters, and emails offering me FiOS when it isn’t available in my area. Why do they do this to me? To make me feel inadequate because I can’t have it even if I want it? It’s just mean. It’s like what little kids do to hurt another child – they show them a toy that everyone wants and go “Nah, nah, nah! You can’t have it.” It’s all very childish to me. So, Verizon, I don’t want your stupid FiOS.
  • Why do companies act like I can’t do math? I see this in grocery stores all the time. I won’t mention the name of the store I go to because I like them otherwise. Anyway, I was looking at crackers and saw that the bigger size cost more per ounce than the smaller size. We know that it costs them less to make something bigger, otherwise Costco and Sam’s Club wouldn’t exist. Why act like I can’t figure this out? I’m not tall or good looking so all I have is my intelligence. Don’t insult the only thing I have going for me.
  • Why do some people – and they seem to be appliance and car salespeople – think I will buy something when they’re shouting at me? When people shout at me I want to run away or punch them in the nose.  Or at least call them a rude name. I certainly don’t want to buy a refrigerator from them. If you talk nice to me, I might want to buy a microwave from you. If you yell at me, I might instead make a remark that I will regret later. You decide which is better.
  • Did you ever notice how some companies run ads but never show the product? In some, they don’t even talk about the product. You see this in ads for drugs all the time. They talk about some horrible affliction and tell you to talk to your doctor. That’s good advice but why are you telling me this? I can’t talk to my doctor about your medicine if I don’t know what it is. Unless, of course, you’re paying off my doctor. That seems unlikely because my doctor is a good guy and I suspect most doctors are. Technology companies do this too. They want to sell me on a lifestyle or a solution but I can’t find how they create the lifestyle or solve my problem. It’s all very frustrating.
  • Why won’t you tell me why I care about whatever you are selling? Some companies seem to want to tell me why they care about their stuff – although I suspect they care about my money even more – but never why I would want it. Really, when you get down to it, isn’t it more important that I care and not you? Passion is great, so share some. My mother taught me that you don’t keep all of a good thing to yourself. You give some to people you like. Maybe they just don’t like me enough.
  • Why do some companies advertise things on billboards that you would never buy because of a billboard? Like enterprise software or surgery. Really, I’ve seen both. I don’t imagine myself zipping down the highway and saying “Wow! I really need an ERP system and so-and-so should be my first choice!” I think it happens less with surgery. Seriously, a billboard is a great place to advertise a new car since I’m in my current junk heap. It might also be a great place to advertise a store. I still don’t understand how you can sell anything that costs a half a million dollars using one. Or surgery. They seem like decisions that are too important and expensive to be influenced by a billboard. Now a Big Mac… that I get.

There are many more but, as Mr. Rooney himself would remind us, you only have a few minutes at the end of the show, so make it count.

As I wrap up 2011, I reflected on the passing of a great journalist and wonderful curmudgeon, Andy Rooney. Mr. Rooney (I would not dare refer to him as Andy!) was an accomplished reporter going back to World War II. Best remembered for his “A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney” at the end of 60 Minutes, he had keen insights into things we encounter every day. He always started by asking “why” or “did you ever notice” something was what it was. I suspect he asked “why” because he already knew something was silly but didn’t know how people could do such silly things. I also believe he really wanted to know why the world was the way it was.

So, in his memory, I present to you the thoughts about sales and marketing that I have been accumulating this year.  As a tribute, I humbly present them as the master himself may have. Not all apply to technology companies, though many do. If you see yourself in this, well, do something about it

  • Did you ever notice how car dealerships keep calling a car sale a sales event? Every car dealership does this. They say “Come to our Fall sales event!” It’s a sale like every other sale – it’s not an event. An event should have cake or beer or something. I’ve been offered coffee at a car dealership but never cake. Or beer. I don’t know. Maybe if they had cake, I’d want to buy a car more.
  • Why do companies keep marketing products to me that they can’t sell me? Verizon has, for years now, sent me post cards, letters, and emails offering me FiOS when it isn’t available in my area. Why do they do this to me? To make me feel inadequate because I can’t have it even if I want it? It’s just mean. It’s like what little kids do to hurt another child – they show them a toy that everyone wants and go “Nah, nah, nah! You can’t have it.” It’s all very childish to me. So, Verizon, I don’t want your stupid FiOS.
  • Why do companies act like I can’t do math? I see this in grocery stores all the time. I won’t mention the name of the store I go to because I like them otherwise. Anyway, I was looking at crackers and saw that the bigger size cost more per ounce than the smaller size. We know that it costs them less to make something bigger, otherwise Costco and Sam’s Club wouldn’t exist. Why act like I can’t figure this out? I’m not tall or good looking so all I have is my intelligence. Don’t insult the only thing I have going for me.
  • Why do some people – and they seem to be appliance and car salespeople – think I will buy something when they’re shouting at me? When people shout at me I want to run away or punch them in the nose.  Or at least call them a rude name. I certainly don’t want to buy a refrigerator from them. If you talk nice to me, I might want to buy a microwave from you. If you yell at me, I might instead make a remark that I will regret later. You decide which is better.
  • Did you ever notice how some companies run ads but never show the product? In some, they don’t even talk about the product. You see this in ads for drugs all the time. They talk about some horrible affliction and tell you to talk to your doctor. That’s good advice but why are you telling me this? I can’t talk to my doctor about your medicine if I don’t know what it is. Unless, of course, you’re paying off my doctor. That seems unlikely because my doctor is a good guy and I suspect most doctors are. Technology companies do this too. They want to sell me on a lifestyle or a solution but I can’t find how they create the lifestyle or solve my problem. It’s all very frustrating.
  • Why won’t you tell me why I care about whatever you are selling? Some companies seem to want to tell me why they care about their stuff – although I suspect they care about my money even more – but never why I would want it. Really, when you get down to it, isn’t it more important that I care and not you? Passion is great, so share some. My mother taught me that you don’t keep all of a good thing to yourself. You give some to people you like. Maybe they just don’t like me enough.
  • Why do some companies advertise things on billboards that you would never buy because of a billboard? Like enterprise software or surgery. Really, I’ve seen both. I don’t imagine myself zipping down the highway and saying “Wow! I really need an ERP system and so-and-so should be my first choice!” I think it happens less with surgery. Seriously, a billboard is a great place to advertise a new car since I’m in my current junk heap. It might also be a great place to advertise a store. I still don’t understand how you can sell anything that costs a half a million dollars using one. Or surgery. They seem like decisions that are too important and expensive to be influenced by a billboard. Now a Big Mac… that I get.

There are many more but, as Mr. Rooney himself would remind us, you only have a few minutes at the end of the show, so make it count.